Mahesh Butt and Shabash Bhai were sitting in a café in Mumbai holding a serious discussion.
Both Butt and Bhai were in great trouble. While Butt's last 9 films had flopped, Bhai too had been unlucky in the recent past. They had now decided to join hands to emerge out of flopland and make a grand entry into hitnagar.
"Bhai, this is the age of sequels. Lage Raho Munna Bhai, Phir Hera Pheri, Dhoom-2 - everyone is making sequels," Butt said.
"More than sequels this is the age of remakes or rather tributes. Don, Ram Gopal Verma ke Sholay, Umrao Jaan, Saheb Bibi Aur Ghulam..the list is steadily growing.
"You are quite right," Butt nodded scratching his head in 13 places.
"Why don't we go for a remake of the Titanic?" Bhai asked. "I have already thought of a plot.
"But constructing a big ship, shooting in the sea - won't all that be expensive?"
"We'll change the script. Instead of a ship, Titanic will be a train."
"Yes and all the important scenes which made Titanic such a spectacular success will be shot in the train."
"Even the scene where the hero paints the heroine in the nude."
"Yes of course. The hero is traveling with his cronies in the unreserved compartment. He rescues the heroine when she tries to jump out of the train and they fall in love. A couple of songs later he paints her in the A.C. First Class compartment."
"What about the love making scene in the carriage?"
"This will be a real sizzler. The hero and heroine will make love in the sandaas I mean loo. This will be the first love-making scene filmed in the loo in the history of Bollywood as well as Hollywood. It will set new benchmarks in film making and I am sure we'll end up picking a clutch of awards."
"Sounds really terrific." Butt nodded scratching the right side of his back, the left side of his neck and the middle of his navel. "What happens next?"
"Terrorists sponsored by Barood Ibrahim have planted a bomb in the train which is also carrying pilgrims from the majority community. If the bomb explodes there will be a communal backlash far more violent than Godhra. Oh, I forgot to mention that the hero is a Muslim and the heroine a Hindu."
"Good idea, we can declare the film is promoting communal harmony and get tax exemption."
"What about the climax?" asked Butt.
"I was just coming to that. As they hero and heroine are reaching their climax in the sandaas, the hero gazes into the heroine's eyes. He sees the reflection of a time bomb and freezes for a moment. A split second later in a truly exemplary gesture of courage, sacrifice and presence of mind he yanks off the bomb with his left hand, holds the heroine with his right arm and crashes out of the bathroom window of the speeding train. In mid air he throws the bomb which explodes. The train is saved but the hero and heroine die and become martyrs."
Bhai looked expectantly at Butt.
The plot is good but you seem to have lost touch with the pulse of the Indian people."
"What do you mean?" demanded Bhai.
"A movie with a sad ending will not succeed in the present times. Indians go to watch movies to escape from the daily grind of roti, kapda and makaan.
They want to enjoy and get their money's worth - not to go weep and moan," answered Bhatt scratching his.. never mind.
Bhai thought for sometime.
"Okay then the lead pair will not die, it will only be seriously injured. The hero will be thrown to the extreme right where he will be picked up by the people from majority community who get down from the train. The heroine will be thrown near a village dominated by people from the minority community. In the next shot we'll have the Hindus chanting pop bhajans and bhangra keertans for the Muslim hero and the Muslims singing devotional quawwalis for the Hindu heroine. In the final scene a luminous light appears from the sky and enters the body of both the hero and heroine. They get up and run 85 kilometers non-stop (more than Budhia and Anastasia) into each others arms. As the credits come on we'll play a remix version of a popular 'bhajan' : Jigar se bujhale jigar ko piya, jigar maan badi aag hai..
"Wow! It sounds great! I am sure the film will be a super hit, bag a couple of awards for national integration and will also get nominated to the Oscars. Now what should we call the movie?
"Hindu Muslim lagey raho."
"Wah!'' Butt clapped and Bhai took an elaborate bow.