Mahesh, the brash and brazen 'Butt' of Follywood was in his chamber nursing a designer headache. He was peeved with life.
 
Over  the last decade or so he had churned out more  than  a dozen  hits indulging in unabashed exhibitionism. He had  paraded in  front of the entire world his loves, hates, passions,  obsessions, infidelities et al. His relationship with his papa, mummy, dada,  dadi, girlfriends, wives, pet dog, wild cat and  even  the friendly neighbourhood Dhobi had all been immortlalised on celluloid.  Long before Lady Dye had made psychobabble  the  trendiest past time, our very own Butt had been  psyching everyone with his babble.
 
However,   he had now reached a dead end.  He  found, like , Mallika Sherbat he had nothing left to show. The world  had seen it all. Finally he had been forced to abandon   biographical themes.  And the results had been disastrous. He had  laid  seven turkeys  in  a row  including some truly golden ones.
 
The  Butt got up and after cursing the world in general  and his financiers, who had refused to back his projects, in particular,  picked up the phone and began dialing....

***

Next  day the entire Butt clan assembled in  the  Conference Room of 'Butt Kuteer'. His designer daughter Poo Jaw, his  brothers, nephews and assorted cousins were all there. A special invitee was Saroj Can. She was not a genuine Butt, but had still been invited since she boasted of the biggest butt in the industry.
 
"Well friends, as I had hinted to you over phone  yesterday, please treat this gathering as a brain storming session. We  have to come up with fresh ideas and inject some life into our  family concern - Butt United," declared The Butt.
 
"I think we should go in for producing TV serials which  are different from the usual garbage dished out on the Idiot Box. Our serials should have an international perspective," suggested  Moo Kesh.
 
"Why don't we produce a serial on the lines of Bay Watch. We can  call  it 'Juhu Watch' or 'Chopatti Watch'. I would  love  to show of my latest latest set of G - Strings," simpered Poo Jaw.
 
"Don't  be silly, Poo," The Butt said, directing a  designer frown at his daughter. Where will we get dozens of gorgeous hunks and delectable babes to shoot 'Juhu Watch'. We'll end up  filming Behenjis  eating  bhelpuris and Bhaus gobbling batata  wadas  and camels  sitting  on  butts... I mean bottoms."  The    Butt  then looked  at Moo Kesh and asked, "Do you have a particular  subject in mind?"
 
"Yes, I think we should produce a serial on the Prince Dye - Prince Char Less affair."
 
"Sorry, Moo Kesh, but this subject has already been  grabbed by Parmanand Gagar?" interjected Raw Bin.
 
"Gagar? But he is only into mythologies."
 
"There  is  too  much of competition in  this  field.  Every second producer is making serials based on mythology. Even  minor characters  like  Jamvant, Suparnakha, Shikhandi  and  Brihannala have  been  exhausted.  On Pee TV we have 'Jai  Veer  Jamvant'  & 'Suparnakha Amar Katha', while on Mony TV 'Jawaan Mard Shikhandi' and 'Joshila Brihannala' are being launched. Amidst such competition  Gagar's concoctions have no chance. Realising this  he  has decided to go in for a serial on Princess Dye called 'Dayan  Avataar'.  It  will run into nine thousand four hundred  and  ninety nine episodes."
 
"That  long?  What  is Gagar planning to  show?  The  entire history of human civilization."
 
"No  way.  It will start with Queen Victoria  end  with  the divorce of Dye and Char Less. It will have several sections  like 'Camilla  Kand, Squidgy Kand, BBC Kand and one section  specially for 'Bharatvasis', devoted to Char Less's Bharat darshan   called 'Padmini Kand'?"
 
"But what is this Padmini Kand?" asked Saroj Caan.
 
"Arrey, you don't remember. Our very own Padmini Kolhapurkar did Bharat proud by planting a kiss on the royal cheek when  Char Less  visited Bharat in the eighties, because she found him  'soo handsome'."
 
"Anyway,  now this international perspective thing  is  also ruled out?" The Butt said looking around. "Anymore ideas?"
 
"I  think Dad let us take a creativity break for a  day  and come back with some more original ideas tomorrow."
 
Everyone clapped and the meeting broke up.

***

Next  day  the 'Butts' gathered at the same time.  The  Butt looked exceedingly pleased with himself.
 
"Friends, I think I have finally clinched the issue. I  have the  ideal  solution  to our problem. Please listen. Till  now  I have  always  been autobiographical in my approach. But  now  the time  has come to kick  auto on its butt  and turn  biographical. And  there  is only one life story  that has  caught  the  public imagination  of late. It has all the ingredients of  a  Follywood masala  film  - love, passion, betrayal ,  intrigue,  action  and emotion. "
 
"Are  you talking about the life story of Eskay Jean of  the halwa scandal fame?"
 
"No,  no.  I  am talking about the saga  of  Agaruddin,  the Captain of Bharat's Cricket  team."
 
There  was  a kind of hush all over the room. It  was  clear that all Butts - big and small, round and flat were impressed.
 
After  flashing a designer smirk the Butt continued,  "I  am planning  a movie on the life and loves of Agar. The  first  part will deal with  Agar's childhood, his struggle against the rut of mediocrity  and  his ultimate triumph on the cricket  field.  His Grandpa  -  Abbu, who plays a crucial role  in   his  upbringing, will   be  one of the main characters in the   first  part.  Abbu gives him a lucky talisman - a steel badge which bears the number of his favourite 'tambakhu' - 420. Armed with this talisman  Agar scores 3 centuries against the visiting imperialists and  becomes the darling of the nation. He marries his childhood sweetheart No Reen.  He is appointed the captain of Bharat's cricket  team  and everything seems hunky dory."
 
"Just  then a flop actress called Melody Bijlee  enters  his playing field  and hits him for a six.   Instead of concentrating on  his  short legs he starts dreaming about her long legs  .  He finally  'slips'  in  her 'gully' and is all out  for  no  score. Bijlee  and Agar start a new partnership while poor No Reen yells foul.  Soon  even Agar's  team mates start  hurling  beamers  and bouncers  at him and he stands isolated. He  however  manages  to survive because of his lucky talisman."
 
"In the meanwhile the World Cup matches begin  and the final is  between the arch rivals Bharat and Pokistan. Imran  Can,  the Pokistani captain connives with Bijlee who is actually a Pokistani agent belonging  to the Intelligence Wing - Eye Hiss Eye. They succeed  in  stealing the  talisman from Agar on the eve  of  the crucial  match. On the D-day, as Bharat is facing Pokistan,  Agar suddenly  discovers  his talisman is missing. In sheer  panic  he turns  to No Reen the only woman who truly loves him and his  pet dog Mia Dad. While Agar leads his team on the field, No Reen  and Mia  manage  to ferret out the spot where the talisman  is  kept. During lunch break Agar reaches the hideout and smashes the  villains with the help of No Reen and Mia. He retrieves the talisman and  rushes back to the stadium to find Bharat  in dire  straits. Needing 420 to win they are struggling at 13 for 9. Agar  strides in and launches a blitzkrieg on the opposition. He scores 400  in 40 overs to alter the shape, size and texture of every record  in sight.  Bharat wins the world cup, Agar is united with  his  wife and Imran and Bijlee commit suicide."
 
"Wow, Dad, its absolutely groovy."
 
"Yes, yes," chorused the rest of the Butts. 
 
"Have you given any thought to the star cast? I will naturally be the  heroine."
 
"Butt.., I mean but of course. For the role of Bijlee....."
 
"Wait  Dad, if I play No Reen I won't be able to wear my  G-Strings."
 
"But Poo you can't play the vamp. Just think what effect  it will have on your image?"
 
"What  about a double role Dad. I have not played  a  single double role in my life. And on my last b'day you promised..."
 
"Okay,  baby. You get the double role. The role of Abbu  and few  other assorted ones  like the manager of the team,  the  umpire, the groundsman etc will be played by my alter ego - Anu Bum Kheer. And Imran will play Imran."
 
"But,  do you think he'll agree to play a villain's  role  - that too in a Hindi pot boiler?"
 
"Of  course he will. Imran, as you must be knowing, has  got political ambitions. He would love to play the role of a Pokistani  agent who  sacrifices his life for the honour of his  country and that too in a fight against his nation's biggest enemy.  Even Benny Bhutto will not be able to counter this brilliant  strategy of winning over the masses."
 
"Who will play the role of Agar?" asked Poo.
 
"Why don't we ask Agar to play himself?"
 
"No  please Dad. He will insist Bijlee play his  sweetheart. He  will also interfere with the script and make Bijlee  look  an angel  and  poor No Reen a devil. And moreover, to  Kootchie  Koo with some one who looks like Agar one has to be blind or  desperately  in  love. And since I am neither, I will  find  it  rather difficult to do lovy dovy scenes with him."
 
"I got it. Why don't we offer the role to Vinod Comely."
 
"Yes,  Dad  please. I really get turned on  by  West  Indian looks. And Comely is real cool, with his sexy ear ring and sexier attitude."
 
"Okay  that  settles it. Now what are we going to  call  the film?"
 
"I got it," Saroj Can jumped up. "Lets call it -'Agar Tum No Hote."

***

A year later The Butt was walking on the Juhu Beach, with an armed  commando  on either side. Suddenly he heard  a  shout  and promptly jumped into the arms of the commando to the left of him.
 
"Uncle  Butt,  its me," squeaked  a voice. The  Butt  jumped down  to  terra firma. He saw his niece  Pretty  Butt  scampering towards him. She was the star correspondent of Follywood's number one rag sheet, Star Bust.
 
"Thank  God  I managed to track you down. For the  last  one week I have been trying to reach you. After the super success  of 'Agar Tum Na Hote' you have become the hottest property in Follywood.  Star  Bust wants to do a cover story on you. But  tell  me Unks  what  is all this commando business? You  are  planning  to contest the elections or something?"
 
"No  dammit.  It is all because of this  lousy  film.  After seeing ATNH Bijlee found she had fallen out of love with Agar and in  love  with Imran. She eloped to Pokistan  to  become  Imran's second wife. Dejected Agar turned to No Reen. But to his surprise he found that No Reen   was far more impressed with the reel life Agar  than  the real life one. She has declared  she  will  marry Vinod  Comely  as soon as he becomes Vinuddin Comuddin  Khan  and life happily ever after."
 
"Oh my God! Poor Agar must be absolutely shattered."
 
"Wait,  you haven't heard the worst. After seeing  the  film the selectors were convinced Comely is a far better player and  a more mature and daring captain than Agar. As a result Comely  has been  recalled and made the captain while Agar has  been  chucked out of the team?"
 
"Agar must be wild?"
 
"You bet your butt he is. He is livid with rage. Why do  you think  I  am moving around with these two jokers looking  like  a caricature  of a neta with a couple of scams to his credit?  Agar has  declared  that his only ambition in life now is to  chop  me into  tiny little pieces and scatter  the morsels  on the   Lords cricket ground," with these words The Butt gave a designer pat on Pretty Butt's  pretty butt and shuffled away with the  Commandoes in tow.
 
Mahesh, the brash and brazen 'Butt' of Follywood was in his
chamber nursing a designer headache. He was peeved with life.
 
Over  the last decade or so he had churned out more  than  a dozen  hits indulging in unabashed exhibitionism. He had  paraded in  front of the entire world his loves, hates, passions,  obsessions, infidelities et al. His relationship with his papa, mummy, dada,  dadi, girlfriends, wives, pet dog, wild cat and  even  the friendly neighbourhood Dhobi had all been immortlalised on celluloid.  Long before Lady Dye had made psychobabble  the  trendiest past time, our very own Butt had been  psyching everyone with his babble.
 
However,   he had now reached a dead end.  He  found, like , Mallika Sherbat he had nothing left to show. The world  had seen it all. Finally he had been forced to abandon   biographical themes.  And the results had been disastrous. He had  laid  seven turkeys  in  a row  including some truly golden ones.
 
The  Butt got up and after cursing the world in general  and his financiers, who had refused to back his projects, in particular,  picked up the phone and began dialing....

***

Next  day the entire Butt clan assembled in  the  Conference Room of 'Butt Kuteer'. His designer daughter Poo Jaw, his  brothers, nephews and assorted cousins were all there. A special invitee was Saroj Can. She was not a genuine Butt, but had still been invited since she boasted of the biggest butt in the industry.
 
"Well friends, as I had hinted to you over phone  yesterday, please treat this gathering as a brain storming session. We  have to come up with fresh ideas and inject some life into our  family concern - Butt United," declared The Butt.
 
"I think we should go in for producing TV serials which  are different from the usual garbage dished out on the Idiot Box. Our serials should have an international perspective," suggested  Moo Kesh.
 
"Why don't we produce a serial on the lines of Bay Watch. We can  call  it 'Juhu Watch' or 'Chopatti Watch'. I would  love  to show of my latest latest set of G - Strings," simpered Poo Jaw.
 
"Don't  be silly, Poo," The Butt said, directing a  designer frown at his daughter. Where will we get dozens of gorgeous hunks and delectable babes to shoot 'Juhu Watch'. We'll end up  filming Behenjis  eating  bhelpuris and Bhaus gobbling batata  wadas  and camels  sitting  on  butts... I mean bottoms."  The    Butt  then looked  at Moo Kesh and asked, "Do you have a particular  subject in mind?"
 
"Yes, I think we should produce a serial on the Prince Dye - Prince Char Less affair."
 
"Sorry, Moo Kesh, but this subject has already been  grabbed by Parmanand Gagar?" interjected Raw Bin.
 
"Gagar? But he is only into mythologies."
 
"There  is  too  much of competition in  this  field.  Every second producer is making serials based on mythology. Even  minor characters  like  Jamvant, Suparnakha, Shikhandi  and  Brihannala have  been  exhausted.  On Pee TV we have 'Jai  Veer  Jamvant'  & 'Suparnakha Amar Katha', while on Mony TV 'Jawaan Mard Shikhandi' and 'Joshila Brihannala' are being launched. Amidst such competition  Gagar's concoctions have no chance. Realising this  he  has decided to go in for a serial on Princess Dye called 'Dayan  Avataar'.  It  will run into nine thousand four hundred  and  ninety nine episodes."
 
"That  long?  What  is Gagar planning to  show?  The  entire history of human civilization."
 
"No  way.  It will start with Queen Victoria  end  with  the divorce of Dye and Char Less. It will have several sections  like 'Camilla  Kand, Squidgy Kand, BBC Kand and one section  specially for 'Bharatvasis', devoted to Char Less's Bharat darshan   called 'Padmini Kand'?"
 
"But what is this Padmini Kand?" asked Saroj Caan.
 
"Arrey, you don't remember. Our very own Padmini Kolhapurkar did Bharat proud by planting a kiss on the royal cheek when  Char Less  visited Bharat in the eighties, because she found him  'soo handsome'."
 
"Anyway,  now this international perspective thing  is  also ruled out?" The Butt said looking around. "Anymore ideas?"
 
"I  think Dad let us take a creativity break for a  day  and come back with some more original ideas tomorrow."
 
Everyone clapped and the meeting broke up.

***

Next  day  the 'Butts' gathered at the same time.  The  Butt looked exceedingly pleased with himself.
 
"Friends, I think I have finally clinched the issue. I  have the  ideal  solution  to our problem. Please listen. Till  now  I have  always  been autobiographical in my approach. But  now  the time  has come to kick  auto on its butt  and turn  biographical. And  there  is only one life story  that has  caught  the  public imagination  of late. It has all the ingredients of  a  Follywood masala  film  - love, passion, betrayal ,  intrigue,  action  and emotion. "
 
"Are  you talking about the life story of Eskay Jean of  the halwa scandal fame?"
 
"No,  no.  I  am talking about the saga  of  Agaruddin,  the Captain of Bharat's Cricket  team."
 
There  was  a kind of hush all over the room. It  was  clear that all Butts - big and small, round and flat were impressed.
 
After  flashing a designer smirk the Butt continued,  "I  am planning  a movie on the life and loves of Agar. The  first  part will deal with  Agar's childhood, his struggle against the rut of mediocrity  and  his ultimate triumph on the cricket  field.  His Grandpa  -  Abbu, who plays a crucial role  in   his  upbringing, will   be  one of the main characters in the   first  part.  Abbu gives him a lucky talisman - a steel badge which bears the number of his favourite 'tambakhu' - 420. Armed with this talisman  Agar scores 3 centuries against the visiting imperialists and  becomes the darling of the nation. He marries his childhood sweetheart No Reen.  He is appointed the captain of Bharat's cricket  team  and everything seems hunky dory."
 
"Just  then a flop actress called Melody Bijlee  enters  his playing field  and hits him for a six.   Instead of concentrating on  his  short legs he starts dreaming about her long legs  .  He finally  'slips'  in  her 'gully' and is all out  for  no  score. Bijlee  and Agar start a new partnership while poor No Reen yells foul.  Soon  even Agar's  team mates start  hurling  beamers  and bouncers  at him and he stands isolated. He  however  manages  to survive because of his lucky talisman."
 
"In the meanwhile the World Cup matches begin  and the final is  between the arch rivals Bharat and Pokistan. Imran  Can,  the Pokistani captain connives with Bijlee who is actually a Pokistani agent belonging  to the Intelligence Wing - Eye Hiss Eye. They succeed  in  stealing the  talisman from Agar on the eve  of  the crucial  match. On the D-day, as Bharat is facing Pokistan,  Agar suddenly  discovers  his talisman is missing. In sheer  panic  he turns  to No Reen the only woman who truly loves him and his  pet dog Mia Dad. While Agar leads his team on the field, No Reen  and Mia  manage  to ferret out the spot where the talisman  is  kept. During lunch break Agar reaches the hideout and smashes the  villains with the help of No Reen and Mia. He retrieves the talisman and  rushes back to the stadium to find Bharat  in dire  straits. Needing 420 to win they are struggling at 13 for 9. Agar  strides in and launches a blitzkrieg on the opposition. He scores 400  in 40 overs to alter the shape, size and texture of every record  in sight.  Bharat wins the world cup, Agar is united with  his  wife and Imran and Bijlee commit suicide."
 
"Wow, Dad, its absolutely groovy."
 
"Yes, yes," chorused the rest of the Butts. 
 
"Have you given any thought to the star cast? I will naturally be the  heroine."
 
"Butt.., I mean but of course. For the role of Bijlee....."
 
"Wait  Dad, if I play No Reen I won't be able to wear my  G-Strings."
 
"But Poo you can't play the vamp. Just think what effect  it will have on your image?"
 
"What  about a double role Dad. I have not played  a  single double role in my life. And on my last b'day you promised..."
 
"Okay,  baby. You get the double role. The role of Abbu  and few  other assorted ones  like the manager of the team,  the  umpire, the groundsman etc will be played by my alter ego - Anu Bum Kheer. And Imran will play Imran."
 
"But,  do you think he'll agree to play a villain's  role  - that too in a Hindi pot boiler?"
 
"Of  course he will. Imran, as you must be knowing, has  got political ambitions. He would love to play the role of a Pokistani  agent who  sacrifices his life for the honour of his  country and that too in a fight against his nation's biggest enemy.  Even Benny Bhutto will not be able to counter this brilliant  strategy of winning over the masses."
 
"Who will play the role of Agar?" asked Poo.
 
"Why don't we ask Agar to play himself?"
 
"No  please Dad. He will insist Bijlee play his  sweetheart. He  will also interfere with the script and make Bijlee  look  an angel  and  poor No Reen a devil. And moreover, to  Kootchie  Koo with some one who looks like Agar one has to be blind or  desperately  in  love. And since I am neither, I will  find  it  rather difficult to do lovy dovy scenes with him."
 
"I got it. Why don't we offer the role to Vinod Comely."
 
"Yes,  Dad  please. I really get turned on  by  West  Indian looks. And Comely is real cool, with his sexy ear ring and sexier attitude."
 
"Okay  that  settles it. Now what are we going to  call  the film?"
 
"I got it," Saroj Can jumped up. "Lets call it -'Agar Tum No Hote."

***

A year later The Butt was walking on the Juhu Beach, with an armed  commando  on either side. Suddenly he heard  a  shout  and promptly jumped into the arms of the commando to the left of him.
 
"Uncle  Butt,  its me," squeaked  a voice. The  Butt  jumped down  to  terra firma. He saw his niece  Pretty  Butt  scampering towards him. She was the star correspondent of Follywood's number one rag sheet, Star Bust.
 
"Thank  God  I managed to track you down. For the  last  one week I have been trying to reach you. After the super success  of 'Agar Tum Na Hote' you have become the hottest property in Follywood.  Star  Bust wants to do a cover story on you. But  tell  me Unks  what  is all this commando business? You  are  planning  to contest the elections or something?"
 
"No  dammit.  It is all because of this  lousy  film.  After seeing ATNH Bijlee found she had fallen out of love with Agar and in  love  with Imran. She eloped to Pokistan  to  become  Imran's second wife. Dejected Agar turned to No Reen. But to his surprise he found that No Reen   was far more impressed with the reel life Agar  than  the real life one. She has declared  she  will  marry Vinod  Comely  as soon as he becomes Vinuddin Comuddin  Khan  and life happily ever after."
 
"Oh my God! Poor Agar must be absolutely shattered."
 
"Wait,  you haven't heard the worst. After seeing  the  film the selectors were convinced Comely is a far better player and  a more mature and daring captain than Agar. As a result Comely  has been  recalled and made the captain while Agar has  been  chucked out of the team?"
 
"Agar must be wild?"
 
"You bet your butt he is. He is livid with rage. Why do  you think  I  am moving around with these two jokers looking  like  a caricature  of a neta with a couple of scams to his credit?  Agar has  declared  that his only ambition in life now is to  chop  me into  tiny little pieces and scatter  the morsels  on the   Lords cricket ground," with these words The Butt gave a designer pat on Pretty Butt's  pretty butt and shuffled away with the  Commandoes in tow.

 

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