Mahesh, the brash and brazen 'Butt' of Follywood was in his chamber nursing a designer headache. He was peeved with life.
Over the last decade or so he had churned out more than a dozen hits indulging in unabashed exhibitionism. He had paraded in front of the entire world his loves, hates, passions, obsessions, infidelities et al. His relationship with his papa, mummy, dada, dadi, girlfriends, wives, pet dog, wild cat and even the friendly neighbourhood Dhobi had all been immortlalised on celluloid. Long before Lady Dye had made psychobabble the trendiest past time, our very own Butt had been psyching everyone with his babble.
However, a year ago he had reached a dead end. He found, like Mamta Coolkarni, he had nothing left to show. The world had seen it all. Finally he had been forced to abandon biographical themes. And the results had been disastrous. He had laid seven turkeys in a row including such golden ones like 'Bapu Bolta Hai'.
The Butt got up and after cursing the world in general and his financiers, who had refused to back his projects, in particular, picked up the phone and began dialing....
Next day the entire Butt clan assembled in the Conference Room of 'Butt Kuteer'. His designer daughter Poo Jaw, his brothers, nephews and assorted cousins were all there. A special invitee was Saroj Can. She was not a genuine Butt, but had still been invited since she boasted of the biggest butt in the industry.
"Well friends, as I had hinted to you over phone yesterday, please treat this gathering as a brain storming session. We have to come up with fresh ideas and inject some life into our family concern - Butt United," declared The Butt.
"I think we should go in for producing TV serials which are different from the usual garbage dished out on the Idiot Box. Our serials should have an international perspective," suggested Moo Kesh.
"Why don't we produce a serial on the lines of Bay Watch. We can call it 'Juhu Watch' or 'Chopatti Watch'. I would love to show of my latest latest set of G - Strings," simpered Poo Jaw.
"Don't be silly, Poo," The Butt said, directing a designer frown at his daughter. Where will we get dozens of gorgeous hunks and delectable babes to shoot 'Juhu Watch'. We'll end up filming Behenjis eating bhelpuris and Bhaus gobbling batata wadas and camels sitting on butts... I mean bottoms." The Butt then looked at Moo Kesh and asked, "Do you have a particular subject in mind?"
"Yes, I think we should produce a serial on the Prince Dye - Prince Char Less affair."
"Sorry, MooKesh, but this subject has already been grabbed by Parmanand Gagar?" interjected Raw Bin.
"Gagar? But he is only into mythologies."
"There is too much of competition in this field. Every second producer is making serials based on mythology. Even minor characters like Jamvant, Suparnakha, Shikhandi and Brihannala have been exhausted. On Pee TV we have 'Jai Veer Jamvant' & 'Suparnakha Amar Katha', while on Mony TV 'Jawaan Mard Shikhandi' and 'Joshila Brihannala' are being launched. Amidst such competition Gagar's concoctions have no chance. Realising this he has decided to go in for a serial on Princess Dye called 'Dayan Avataar'. It will run into nine thousand four hundred and ninety nine episodes."
"That long? What is Gagar planning to show? The entire history of human civilization."
"No way. It will start with Queen Victoria end with the divorce of Dye and Char Less. It will have several sections like 'Camilla Kand, Squidgy Kand, BBC Kand and one section specially for 'Bharatvasis', devoted to Char Less's Bharat darshan called 'Padmini Kand'?"
"But what is this Padmini Kand?" asked Saroj Caan.
"Arrey, you don't remember. Our very own Padmini Kolhapurkar did Bharat proud by planting a kiss on the royal cheek when Char Less visited Bharat in the eighties, because she found him 'soo handsome'."
"Anyway, now this international perspective thing is also ruled out?" The Butt said looking around. "Anymore ideas?"
"I think Dad let us take a creativity break for a day and come back with some more original ideas tomorrow."
Everyone clapped and the meeting broke up.
Next day the 'Butts' gathered at the same time. The Butt looked exceedingly pleased with himself.
"Friends, I think I have finally clinched the issue. I have the ideal solution to our problem. Please listen. Till now I have always been autobiographical in my approach. But now the time has come to kick auto on its butt and turn biographical. And there is only one life story that has caught the public imagination of late. It has all the ingredients of a Follywood masala film - love, passion, betrayal , intrigue, action and emotion. "
"Just then a flop actress called Melody Bijlee enters his playing field and hits him for a six. Instead of concentrating on his short legs he starts dreaming about her long legs . He finally 'slips' in her 'gully' and is all out for no score. Bijlee and Agar start a new partnership while poor No Reen yells foul. Soon even Agar's team mates start hurling beamers and bouncers at him and he stands isolated. He however manages to survive because of his lucky talisman."
"In the meanwhile the World Cup matches begin and the final is between the arch rivals Bharat and Pokistan. Imran Can, the Pokistani captain connives with Bijlee who is actually a Pokistani agent belonging to the Intelligence Wing - Eye Hiss Eye. They succeed in stealing the talisman from Agar on the eve of the crucial match. On the D-day, as Bharat is facing Pokistan, Agar suddenly discovers his talisman is missing. In sheer panic he turns to No Reen the only woman who truly loves him and his pet dog Mia Dad. While Agar leads his team on the field, No Reen and Mia manage to ferret out the spot where the talisman is kept. During lunch break Agar reaches the hideout and smashes the villains with the help of No Reen and Mia. He retrieves the talisman and rushes back to the stadium to find Bharat in dire straits. Needing 420 to win they are struggling at 13 for 9. Agar strides in and launches a blitzkrieg on the opposition. He scores 400 in 40 overs to alter the shape, size and texture of every record in sight. Bharat wins the world cup, Agar is united with his wife and Imran and Bijlee commit suicide."
"Wow, Dad, its absolutely groovy."
"Have you given any thought to the starcast? I will naturally be the heroine."
"Butt.., I mean but ofcourse. For the role of Bijlee....."
"Wait Dad, if I play No Reen I won't be able to wear my G-Strings."
"But Poo you can't play the vamp. Just think what effect it will have on your image?"
"What about a double role Dad. I have not played a single double role in my life. And on my last b'day you promised..."
"Okay, baby. You get the double role. The role of Abbu and few other assorted ones like the manager of the team, the umpire, the groundsman etc will be played by my alter ego - Anu Bum Kheer. And Imran will play Imran."
"But, do you think he'll agree to play a villain's role - that too in a Hindi pot boiler?"
"Of course he will. Imran, as you must be knowing, has got political ambitions. He would love to play the role of a Pokistani agent who sacrifices his life for the honour of his country and that too in a fight against his nation's biggest enemy. Even Benny Bhutto will not be able to counter this brilliant strategy of winning over the masses."
"Who will play the role of Agar?" asked Poo.
"Why don't we ask Agar to play himself?"
"No please Dad. He will insist Bijlee play his sweetheart. He will also interfere with the script and make Bijlee look an angel and poor No Reen a devil. And moreover, to Kootchie Koo with some one who looks like Agar one has to be blind or desperately in love. And since I am neither, I will find it rather difficult to do lovy dovy scenes with him."
"I got it. Why don't we offer the role to Vinod Comely."
"Yes, Dad please. I really get turned on by West Indian looks. And Comely is real cool, with his sexy ear ring and sexier attitude."
"Okay that settles it. Now what are we going to call the film?"
"I got it," Saroj Can jumped up. "Lets call it -'Agar Tum No Hote."
A year later The Butt was walking on the Juhu Beach, with an armed commando on either side. Suddenly he heard a shout and promptly jumped into the arms of the commando to the left of him.
"Uncle Butt, its me," squeaked a voice. The Butt jumped down to terra firma. He saw his niece Pretty Butt scampering towards him. She was the star correspondent of Follywood's number one rag sheet, Star Bust.
"Thank God I managed to track you down. For the last one week I have been trying to reach you. After the super success of 'Agar Tum Na Hote' you have become the hottest property in Follywood. Star Bust wants to do a cover story on you. But tell me Unks what is all this commando business? You are planning to contest the elections or something?"
"No dammit. It is all because of this lousy film. After seeing ATNH Bijlee found she had fallen out of love with Agar and in love with Imran. She eloped to Pokistan to become Imran's second wife. Dejected Agar turned to No Reen. But to his surprise he found that No Reen was far more impressed with the reel life Agar than the real life one. She has declared she will marry Vinod Comely as soon as he becomes Vinuddin Comuddin Khan and life happily ever after."
"Oh my God! Poor Agar must be absolutely shattered."
"Wait, you haven't heard the worst. After seeing the film the selectors were convinced Comely is a far better player and a more mature and daring captain than Agar. As a result Comely has been recalled and made the captain while Agar has been chucked out of the team?"
"Agar must be wild?"
"You bet your butt he is. He is livid with rage. Why do you think I am moving around with these two jokers looking like a caricature of a neta with a couple of scams to his credit? Agar has declared that his only ambition in life now is to chop me into tiny little pieces and scatter the morsels on the Lords cricket ground," with these words The Butt gave a designer pat on Pretty Butt's pretty butt and shuffled away with the Commandoes in tow.