Prologue: (Click here to read the complete novel)
This story is set in Mera Bharat Mahaan (MBM) the land of the rising sin. You must be wondering where you would find this land. If you were an astronaut and were visiting your girl friend in Mars and happened to look out of the window, somewhere midway in your flight, then you would see a lump of land shaped like a virgin's pubis.
Well, that lump of land is MBM. But, believe me, there is nothing virginal about MBM. Its people, culture, land, environment, ethos and value system have all been raped, mauled and butchered scores of times.
Let us now move from the chaos of MBM to the tranquility of 'Heaven Unlimited'. Lord Inder, Director, Corporate Planning, was in his chamber enjoying a siesta with his eyes wide open.
The three key members of his secretariat - Rambha, Urvashi and Menaka - were busy performing their daily chores.
Rambha was massaging his two hands, Urvashi his two legs, and Menaka was massaging ....anyway, as I was telling you , everything was hunky-dory in HU.
Just then there was a soft knock on the door and a young man entered. The three pairs of hands disappeared for a split second and reappeared holding a notebook each.
Lord Inder commenced his dictation to his stenos.
The young man coughed and Lord Inder looked up .
"Yes, Unthonee Muni, park your. I mean sit down."
Unthonee Muni sat down his eyes fixed on the luscious curves of the three divine beauties.
Five minutes later Lord Inder looked up and said, "So, Tony, are you ready? Have you packed everything ?"
"Okay, then before you start off on your mission let me give you a sneak preview of MBM."
With these words Lord Inder picked up a remote and pressed a switch.
The huge screen in front of him came alive and Lajjit Sharma of Baap ki Badaulat fame appeared on the screen.
"Welcome, viewers," he began. "Today is the Ides of May and the time is twenty three hours. Earth -shaking events are taking place in MBM. Lend me your beautiful ears and lovely eyes as I take you on a quick tour," As the viewers stared mesmerized the drama unfolded before their very eyes:
In Amchi Mumbai Shobha Day was adding the final touches to her latest bestseller Sexy Sundaes. In her first book Shobha Day had used four letter words on every alternate page. In her second labor of literary passion, to satisfy the demands of her more literary minded and discerning fans, she had used four letter words in every alternate paragraph. But this too had not entirely pleased her ardent admirers. Some of them had accused her of ignoring the hoi polloi and indulging only her elite fans by writing about their lusts and crimes.
In her latest masterpiece she had concentrated on the slum dwellers of Ghatkopar and laced her works with liberal doses of Hindi four letter words. This, she felt, would be viewed as a very patriotic gesture on her part.
To make things simple for her English speaking fans she had provided a detailed glossary of the English translations of the Hindi four letter words.
An extract of her book had been published in the latest edition of Overlook.
Shobha Day had just received a phone call from Bal Thokoray, the self-proclaimed Messiah of Mumbai.
He had accused Shobha Day of anti-Marathi sentiment and had warned her that if she did not include Marathi four letter words in her book a bonfire would be made of all the copies and she would be chucked into it.
Shobha Day had immediately called her maid and maali and had a literary session with them. She was now busy adding Marathi gaalis.
In Rajdhani Delhi, the auditorium was filled with a sense of expectancy. The Puppies - Prosperous Urban Punjabis, the Pussies - Prosperous Urban Sindhies and Pumas - Prosperous Urban Madrasis - were all there in large numbers.
Suddenly there was a kind of hush all over the hall as his Corporate highness Yuppie Baba strode on the stage. He was wearing a Louis Philip shirt, a Calvin Klein suit, a Zegna tie and Gucci shoes. A Christian Dior watch and an exotic French perfume completed his ensemble of quiet, understated dignity. His hair was permed, his nails manicured and he had just had his fourteenth facial of the week.
On reaching centre stage he grabbed the mike and declared, "My dear nine to five comrades, at last we are together. After leading my corporate brethren in Botswana, Somalia and Turkmenistan into the heaven of Yuppiedom I am back in the land where I attained enlightenment.
I still remember the day vividly. It was the 1st of April and I had been fired once again. This was the seventh job I had lost in seven months. To elevate my spirits and if possible a portion of my flesh I switched on the idiot box and zeroed in on 'Quick Rise' the adult channel. A dance ballet called Monika was in progress. Mika as Bill and Rakhee Saawan, in the eponymous role, were cavorting to the tunes of Diler Bhindi's latest Pop Bhangra 'Bolo duh duh duh!', inspired by Big Moose of Archie fame. After performing the cigar sequence as they moved closer for oral interaction something landed on my head and I blanked out.
When I came to, I found that a framed photograph of Lord Krishna placed lovingly on the wall by my late mummyji had made contact with my cerebrum (or is it cerebellum?). As I picked up the photo and looked into the eyes of the Lord, enlightenment struck me like the proverbial bolt from the blue. I lost complete touch with reality - it was silent communion between me and Giridhar..... And at that very instant Yuppiesm was born!"
Yuppie Baba paused, allowing his profound words of wisdom to sink in.
"Can you tell me who is the first Yuppie of the world?" he questioned.
There was a complete silence for a full minute and then Baar Baar Peekarmarjani, the spokesman for the Pussies, gently queried, "Was it Todarmal?"
Yuppie Baba laughed and said, "No! No! No! My dear Peekarmarjani, you are thousands of years off the mark. The first Yuppie of this world was Banke Bihari, Devaki-nandan, our very own Lord Krishna. Just consider what were the three things dearest to him? The three Ms - Maakhan, Melody and Maidens. And what do the Yuppies of today like - Moolah, Music and Monica or Madonna. Whether we speak figuratively or literally, doesn't it amount to the same thing? What I am trying to emphasize is that Kittu was fond of good life. He was not like Rama roaming the jungles with a wild assortment of creatures like a benevolent ringmaster of a wandering circus. And like Rama our Kanhaiya was not a prude. While Ram went around mooning over his Sitay, Krishna merrily played the field with Radha, Rukmini, his Gopikas and his small and compact harem of sixteen thousand raanis. Even in his value system he was like the Yuppies of today. To him the end justified the means. Not for Keshav idealism, duty and all that kind of bull manure. He believed in winning at all costs and if this meant asking Arjuna to kill his cousins, uncles and Gurus he didn't mince words. Today we talk about corporate mergers and takeovers. But who started it all? It was the one and only Gopal. By getting his favorite disciple to marry half a dozen times he managed to expand the kingdom of the Pandavas."
Yuppie Baba's fiery eloquence and compelling logic had the desired effect. There was a thunderous applause and shouts of "Jai Jai Kittu, Jai Jai Gopal and , Om Yuppie Namah," filled the air.
After the applause had died down, Karrupshun Singh the CMD of Profits India Limitless got up and said, "Yuppie Baba, what are your instructions to us? What should we do to attain Yuppiedom?"
"First and foremost we have to unite all the Yuppies under one banner. With my creative fourth eye I can see there is a lot of infighting amongst you. The Pussies can't stand the Puppies and the Pumas can't even stand each other. At this rate what you will attain is Yuppiedoom not Yuppiedom. Remember, my call to all of you is 'Yuppies of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your stresses and strains'. Once this is achieved we have to start the struggle for our own land on the lines of the struggle for Gorkhaland and Khalistan. My aim is to create a Utopia which is of, by, and for the Yuppies."
Yuppie Baba stared at his converts for a few vital seconds and then declared, "Now all of you join me in singing the Yuppie anthem inspired by Gurudev but adopted and adapted by yours Yuppily:
Where the mind is without migraine
And the bottomline is high.
Where Mallikas are aplenty.
Where time is filled
With takeovers and mergers
Where ends are important
And means aren't.
In that nine to nine Utopia
Let my Yuppies flourish."
In neighboring Kangal Desh Sillyman Rash Die and Taslima Nasty Reen were getting married.
The simple ceremony concluded with the two of them exchanging Fatwas.
In Ulta Pradesh Garam Singh, the veteran politician of national disrepute, was staring at the ceiling..
Lord Inder switched off the wall to wall TV and looked at Unthonee. "Well, Tony, I hope you are ready. Close your eyes and I'll transport you to the chamber of Garam Singh in a jiffy," Lord Inder picked up a fancy looking gizmo and pressed a button. There was a puff of smoke and Unthonee disappeared.
Lord Inder clapped and Rambha, Urvarshi and Menaka resumed their positions.